Ranking the Alcohol Options in Spartan Stadium

We all fill different roles here at Spartans Illustrated. We also have different titles, some of which are self-appointed. Take me, for example. While I am technically a staff writer, I am also the self-appointed Chief Optimism Officer as well as the Chief Data Scientist.

But I also hold a different title and role within the organization. I am also the self-appointed bar-night social coordinator and resident beer snob. It's a tough set of jobs, but somebody has to do it.

When it was announced that for the first time in history Spartan Stadium would be offering beer and other alcohol for sale, I knew that I needed to spring into action. This is what I have been training for. The mission is simple: to provide you, dear Spartans Illustrated reader, with the most definitive, scientifically driven ranking of the alcohol options at Spartan Stadium starting this Saturday.

This rigorous analysis is based on hours of pain-staking and possibly liver-threatening research, math (or at least numbers), my extensive knowledge of the brewing process (thanks to both of my chemical engineering degrees), and mostly importantly -- like every other set of rankings on the internet -- my personal opinion. What can I say? It is at least as rigorous as most college football strength of schedules lists out there.

Without further ado, I present to you the list of beverage options at Spartan Stadium this fall.

1. Founders All Day IPA

(American IPA, 4.7% ABU, Beer Advocate Score: 87 "Very Good")

As a card-carrying beer snob, I love me a good India Pale Ale. But I also like remaining conscious through the fourth quarter. Founders is one of the O.G. Michigan breweries and it only makes sense that the Grand Rapids mainstay would have one of their flagship brews available in Spartan Stadium. This combination of history, low-gravity drinkability, and solid hop-head-approved taste make this the clear option at the top of the chart.

2. Bell's Oberon

(American Pale Wheat Beer, 5.8% ABU, Beer Advocate Score: 86 "Very Good")

Oberon is the beer that put Kalamazoo's Bell's Brewery and, by extension, Michigan craft beers on the map. Similar to All Day, it only makes sense that Spartan Stadium would include this Michigan classic on the menu. With its subtle fruity overtones and Belgian witbier characteristics, it is the perfect Michigan beer for summertime. Unfortunately, though, football is played in the fall, hence its second-place finish.

3. Big Lake Brewing Sparti Parti

(New England IPA, 7.0% ABU, Beer Advocate Score: 86 "Very Good")

Compared to the two beers ahead of it on the list, Sparti Parti is the new kids on the block. First released in 2018 from the Holland-based brewery, it is a solid New England-style IPA that is the haziest of the IPA available in Spartan Stadium. While this beer is quite good, there are other Michigan-made hazy IPAs which are superior. But none of those beers have "Sparti" in their name. 

As for that name, I am not sure if this is a riff on the whole "can't read; can't write" thing or what. To that, I only comment: "why?" I should also point out that Big Lake makes a companion beer called "Haze and Blue." It tastes remarkably similar, but for some reason the folks in Ann Arbor insist that it is way better, harder to find, higher ranked, and for some reason always costs 20% more. 

4. North Peak Sparta

(American IPA, 7.2% ABU, Beer Advocate Score: 88 "Very Good")

Sparta marks the third IPA-style beer to appear on the menu at Spartan Stadium. It also holds the distinction of being both the strongest beer available as well as the one rated the highest by the website Beer Advocate. Sparta is another solid, but forgettable IPA that is cashing in on its name alone. That said, if on a particular Saturday in November MSU is trailing Ohio State by 21 points in the first quarter, this might be the best option. As for the high ranking, all I can say is that everything from the Traverse City area tends to be a bit inflated.

5. Short's Local's Light

(Light Lager, 5.2% ABU, Beer Advocate Score: 77 "Okay")

I get it. Some people don't like IPAs. That fine. You have a right to your own opinion, even if it is objectively wrong. For those hop-haters out there who are interested in a high-quality light lager, this offering from Michigan's most interesting brewery is the brew for you. It is light and crisp and more-or-less tastes like it was made by people who know what they are doing. Drink it if you must.

6. Coors Light

(Light Lager, 4.2% ABU, Beer Advocate Score: 51 "Awful")

So, here's the thing about rankings such as this. When one simply numbers the options from one to eight, it is natural to assume that the difference in quality or desirability between (for example) No. 1 and No. 2 is that same as the gap in quality between Nos. 5 and No. 6. That is not the case in this particular list.

Coors Light is technically beer, and it is technically drinkable. By that, I mean that I have consumed it before, and my body did not reject it immediately. Coor Light is the kind of beer that you only drink when you have no other options. On Saturday, you will have at least five other far superior options. 

7. NÜTRL

(Vodka Setzler, 4.5% ABU, Beer Advocate Score: N/A)

I seriously needed to google this one. What the heck is this? Why does it exist? The name is in all caps, there is an umlaut, and there is clearly at least one vowel missing. What is happening? I have so many questions, and yet I don't care to learn the answers to any of them. All that I can say is that I am confident that whatever this is, it is not last on the list because that honor goes to...

8. Bud Light

(Light Lager, 4.2% ABU, Beer Advocate Score: 47 "Awful")

In creating any ranking, there is always the person, place, event, or thing that must finish in last place. Bud Light, today that honor is yours. Unlike Coors Light, if no other options exist other than Bud, I would recommend simply having a Pepsi... or perhaps a lobotomy. 

Now, don't get me wrong, mankind has produced liquids that taste worse than Bud Light. For example, the liquid that one sometimes finds at the bottom of a trashcan holding a leaky trash bag. It could be worse. I would even argue there are worse beers out there (Michelob Ultra, I am looking at you). But none of those will be sold at Spartan Stadium on Saturday. 

There you have it, folks. Now that we have ranked the best alcohol options that will be available in Spartan Stadium this week, I wanted to provide my suggestions as to the best options that are not on the menu at Spartan Stadium. I hope to see some of these in the near future.

Bell's Two-Hearted Ale

(American IPA, 7% ABU, Beer Advocate Score: 95 "World Class")

I get it. It made sense to have one beer from Bell's and one from Founders. All Day IPA does make the most sense from Founders and there are already two other IPAs on the list with names that make sense. But... Two-Hearted Ale has been previously voted as the best beer in America and for good reason. Also, it is named after a river in the Upper Peninsula. What would Tom Izzo do?

Old Nation M-43

(New England IPA, 6.8% ABU, Beer Advocate Score: 97 "World Class")

When it comes to hazy IPAs, M-43 is really, really hard to beat whether in Michigan or anywhere else in the world. While this beer does not have "Sparti" or "Sparta" in its name, it is brewed in the village of Williamston just 10 miles east of Spartan Stadium. You know how one gets there? By driving on Grand River Avenue, otherwise known as "M-43." Are you convinced yet?

Atwater Brewery Hey Diddle Diddle

(American Pale Wheat Beer, 4.8% ABU, Beer Advocate Score: N/A)

This brew, originally made by Jagged Mountain Craft Brewery in Denver, Colorado was made the honor the late Michigan State punter and Rose Bowl Champion Mike Sadler. Atwater Brewery in Detroit picked up the recipe, but it is now listed as "retired." Michigan State needs to "unretire" this brew and make it a Spartan Stadium exclusive with a portion of the proceeds (which would be enormous) going to the Michael Sadler Foundation. 

I should also note that I did not originally come up with this idea. I saw this floating around on Twitter a few weeks ago. But it is a great idea and one that needs to happen.

Atwater Brewery Vanilla Java Porter

(American Porter, 5% ABU, Beer Advocate Score: 79 "Okay")

One thing that I note about the list of beers in Spartan Stadium is a general lack of variety. There is Oberon, some IPAs, and a bunch of light lagers. Why not liven things up a bit with a porter? Darker beers are better as the weather starts to cool off.  "VJP" is a solid, slightly sweet, low-gravity option. MSU is always trying to enhance the footprint in Detroit, and selling VJP could be used as a bargaining chip for that exclusive deal to bring back Hey Diddle Diddle.

New Holland Icabod

(Pumpkin Beer, 4.5% ABU, Beer Advocate Score: 80 "Good")

In the spirit of adding some darker beers that are more fall themed, I think that a pumpkin beer would be an excellent addition to the Spartan Stadium menu. New Holland Brewing Company's Icabod is one of my favorites from another one of the O.G.s of the Michigan craft beer scene. It is also a lower gravity option which will help to reduce the number of fans who might lose their head. We can't have that, now, can we?

Do you agree with my rankings? Do you have any other suggestions for beverages that should be added to the menu? Talk about it now on the Spartans Illustrated Message Board.