We all fill different roles here
at Spartans Illustrated. We also have different titles, some of which are
self-appointed. Take me, for example. While I am technically a staff writer, I
am also the self-appointed Chief Optimism Officer as well as the Chief Data
Scientist.
But I also hold a different
title and role within the organization. I am also the self-appointed bar-night
social coordinator and resident beer snob. It's a tough set of jobs, but
somebody has to do it.
When it was announced that for
the first time in history Spartan Stadium would be offering beer and other
alcohol for sale, I knew that I needed to spring into action. This is what I have been training for. The mission is
simple: to provide you, dear Spartans Illustrated reader, with the most
definitive, scientifically driven ranking of the alcohol options at Spartan
Stadium starting this Saturday.
This rigorous analysis is based
on hours of pain-staking and possibly liver-threatening research, math (or at
least numbers), my extensive knowledge of the brewing process (thanks to both of my chemical engineering degrees), and mostly importantly -- like every other set of rankings on the internet -- my personal opinion. What
can I say? It is at least as rigorous as most college football strength of
schedules lists out there.
Without further ado, I present
to you the list of beverage options at Spartan Stadium
this fall.
1. Founders All Day IPA
(American IPA, 4.7% ABU, Beer
Advocate Score: 87 "Very Good")
As a card-carrying beer snob, I
love me a good India Pale Ale. But I also like remaining conscious through the fourth
quarter. Founders is one of the O.G. Michigan breweries and it only
makes sense that the Grand Rapids mainstay would have one of their flagship
brews available in Spartan Stadium. This combination of history, low-gravity
drinkability, and solid hop-head-approved taste make this the clear option at
the top of the chart.
2. Bell's Oberon
(American Pale Wheat Beer, 5.8%
ABU, Beer Advocate Score: 86 "Very Good")
Oberon is the beer that put
Kalamazoo's Bell's Brewery and, by extension, Michigan craft beers on the map.
Similar to All Day, it only makes sense that Spartan Stadium would include this
Michigan classic on the menu. With its subtle fruity overtones and Belgian
witbier characteristics, it is the perfect Michigan beer for summertime.
Unfortunately, though, football is played in the fall, hence its second-place
finish.
3. Big Lake Brewing Sparti
Parti
(New England IPA, 7.0% ABU,
Beer Advocate Score: 86 "Very Good")
Compared to the two beers ahead
of it on the list, Sparti Parti is the new kids on the block. First released in
2018 from the Holland-based brewery, it is a solid New England-style IPA that
is the haziest of the IPA available in Spartan Stadium. While this beer is
quite good, there are other Michigan-made hazy IPAs which are superior. But
none of those beers have "Sparti" in their name.
As for that name, I am not sure
if this is a riff on the whole "can't read; can't write" thing or
what. To that, I only comment: "why?" I should also point out that
Big Lake makes a companion beer called "Haze and Blue." It tastes
remarkably similar, but for some reason the folks in Ann Arbor insist that it
is way better, harder to find, higher ranked, and for some reason
always costs 20% more.
4. North Peak Sparta
(American IPA, 7.2% ABU, Beer
Advocate Score: 88 "Very Good")
Sparta marks the third
IPA-style beer to appear on the menu at Spartan Stadium. It also holds the
distinction of being both the strongest beer available as well as the one rated
the highest by the website Beer Advocate. Sparta is another solid, but
forgettable IPA that is cashing in on its name alone. That said, if on a
particular Saturday in November MSU is trailing Ohio State by 21 points in the
first quarter, this might be the best option. As for the high ranking, all I
can say is that everything from the Traverse City area tends to be a bit
inflated.
5. Short's Local's Light
(Light Lager, 5.2% ABU, Beer
Advocate Score: 77 "Okay")
I get it. Some people don't
like IPAs. That fine. You have a right to your own opinion, even if it is
objectively wrong. For those hop-haters out there who are interested in a
high-quality light lager, this offering from Michigan's most interesting
brewery is the brew for you. It is light and crisp and more-or-less tastes like
it was made by people who know what they are doing. Drink it if you must.
6. Coors Light
(Light Lager, 4.2% ABU, Beer
Advocate Score: 51 "Awful")
So, here's the thing about
rankings such as this. When one simply numbers the options from one to eight,
it is natural to assume that the difference in quality or desirability between
(for example) No. 1 and No. 2 is that same as the gap in quality between Nos. 5
and No. 6. That is not the case in this particular list.
Coors Light is technically
beer, and it is technically drinkable. By that, I mean that I have consumed it
before, and my body did not reject it immediately. Coor Light is the kind of
beer that you only drink when you have no other options. On Saturday, you will
have at least five other far superior options.
7. NÜTRL
(Vodka Setzler, 4.5% ABU, Beer
Advocate Score: N/A)
I seriously needed to google
this one. What the heck is this? Why does it exist? The name is in all caps,
there is an umlaut, and there is clearly at least one vowel missing. What is
happening? I have so many questions, and yet I don't care to learn the answers to any of them. All that I can say is that I am confident that whatever this
is, it is not last on the list because that honor goes to...
8. Bud Light
(Light Lager, 4.2% ABU, Beer
Advocate Score: 47 "Awful")
In creating any ranking, there
is always the person, place, event, or thing that must finish in last place.
Bud Light, today that honor is yours. Unlike Coors Light, if no other options
exist other than Bud, I would recommend simply having a Pepsi... or perhaps a
lobotomy.
Now, don't get me wrong,
mankind has produced liquids that taste worse than Bud Light. For example, the
liquid that one sometimes finds at the bottom of a trashcan holding a leaky trash
bag. It could be worse. I would even argue there are worse beers out there
(Michelob Ultra, I am looking at you). But none of those will be sold at
Spartan Stadium on Saturday.
There you have it, folks. Now
that we have ranked the best alcohol options that will be available in Spartan
Stadium this week, I wanted to provide my suggestions as to the best options
that are not on the menu at Spartan Stadium. I hope to see some of these in the near future.
Bell's Two-Hearted Ale
(American IPA, 7% ABU, Beer
Advocate Score: 95 "World Class")
I get it. It made sense to have
one beer from Bell's and one from Founders. All Day IPA does make the most
sense from Founders and there are already two other IPAs on the list with names
that make sense. But... Two-Hearted Ale has been previously voted as the best
beer in America and for good reason. Also, it is named after a river in the
Upper Peninsula. What would Tom Izzo do?
Old Nation M-43
(New England IPA, 6.8% ABU,
Beer Advocate Score: 97 "World Class")
When it comes to hazy IPAs,
M-43 is really, really hard to beat whether in Michigan or anywhere else in the
world. While this beer does not have "Sparti" or "Sparta"
in its name, it is brewed in the village of Williamston just 10 miles east of
Spartan Stadium. You know how one gets there? By driving on Grand River Avenue,
otherwise known as "M-43." Are you convinced yet?
Atwater Brewery Hey Diddle
Diddle
(American Pale Wheat Beer, 4.8%
ABU, Beer Advocate Score: N/A)
This brew, originally made
by Jagged Mountain Craft Brewery in Denver, Colorado was made the honor
the late Michigan State punter and Rose Bowl Champion Mike Sadler. Atwater
Brewery in Detroit picked up the recipe, but it is now listed as
"retired." Michigan State needs to "unretire" this brew and
make it a Spartan Stadium exclusive with a portion of the proceeds (which would
be enormous) going to the Michael Sadler Foundation.
I should also note that I did
not originally come up with this idea. I saw this floating around on Twitter a
few weeks ago. But it is a great idea and one that needs to happen.
Atwater Brewery Vanilla Java
Porter
(American Porter, 5% ABU, Beer
Advocate Score: 79 "Okay")
One thing that I note about the
list of beers in Spartan Stadium is a general lack of variety. There is Oberon,
some IPAs, and a bunch of light lagers. Why not liven things up a bit with a
porter? Darker beers are better as the weather starts to cool off.
"VJP" is a solid, slightly sweet, low-gravity option. MSU is always
trying to enhance the footprint in Detroit, and selling VJP could be used as a
bargaining chip for that exclusive deal to bring back Hey Diddle Diddle.
New Holland Icabod
(Pumpkin Beer, 4.5% ABU, Beer
Advocate Score: 80 "Good")
In the spirit of adding some
darker beers that are more fall themed, I think that a pumpkin beer would be an
excellent addition to the Spartan Stadium menu. New Holland Brewing Company's
Icabod is one of my favorites from another one of the O.G.s of the Michigan
craft beer scene. It is also a lower gravity option which will help to reduce
the number of fans who might lose their head. We can't have that, now, can we?
Do you agree with my rankings?
Do you have any other suggestions for beverages that should be added to the
menu? Talk about it now on the Spartans Illustrated Message Board.
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